How much papers did you have to fill out to have a baby??

Well, we picked a donor.  It was a lot like everything I do.  Stress about it for months and have a complete mental freak-out about it and then decide within hours. LOL.  Picking a sperm donor is a lot like going on match.com.  You get to choose the hair color, eye color, height, etc.  The first question people ask is ‘how did you pick?’ Honestly, no idea.  It just seemed like the right one.  Am I 100% sure we pick the right one? No, I guess not.  But I don't know if you can be 100% sure about a thing like this.  Besides the kid is going to be who we make him or her, not some random donor.  We will be teaching him/her right from wrong, introducing him/her to all the great things this world has to offer, and hopefully teaching him/her to love this world.  It will be our job to pass on our beliefs of living green, buying local, and being who you are.  Yes, Lauren we will even let it be a girlie, little princess if that is who he/she wants to be.  We picked three we liked and went from there.  It's done.  So there is no going back.  We are not giving details about the person we pick, so please do not ask.  But we are now the proud owners of a whole lot of sperm.  I really never thought I would be happy to have a storeroom housing sperm for me.  We still have several things to do before we can actually ‘do it”.  LOL We have to get a couple more papers notarized and have our doctor authorize the shipping of sperm to their clinic.  Back to the bank this weekend to get these papers notarized and then fax the authorization form to the doctor on Tuesday.  And maybe, just maybe we will finally have everything in order.  It’s starting to get really frustrating.   Every time we think we have everything we need, we are told we are missing this or that.  I don’t understand why we were not given a checklist or something to make sure we get everything we need.   The amount of paperwork that is involved in this whole process is completely insane.  And the fact that just anyone can have a kid and we have to jump through all these hoops is getting old.  Hopefully, there is an end to this paperwork nightmare very soon.  

You need what...?

That is the question I've asked my nurse Kendra probably 15 times in the last couple weeks.  However, I think, we are finally getting close to having our baby making file complete after countless faxes, e-mails, and phone calls.  After our initial appointment with Shady Grove, I set up three doctor appointments two with our PCP and one with my OBGYN.  The PCP was to preform all the required blood work.  I needed to have my blood tested for 18 different things and get an updated OBGYN exam.  The real test was not the blood work, but making a million phone calls to get all the results faxed from my doctor's office to Shady Grove.  It went something like this.  "Hi, may I speak to my Nurse Kendra.  Hi, Kendra. Do you have all the results?  No.  You need ....  Ok, I'll call the doctor's again."  Hang up and immediately speed dial the doctor's office. "Hi, yes this is Nicole Vitelli.  Shady Grove is still missing ...  Yes, I understand you faxed everything.  But they still need ... Could you please fax it over?  Thank you."  This exact exchange took place no less then 10 times.  I've decided that this process is all about learning to be polite and patient.  The good news is there is some light at the end of the tunnel. Today we completed what I believe is finally the last of the required paperwork.  It did require sitting at a bank waiting for a pile of papers to be notarized.  The titles of the paper included 'Request for treatment waiving CMV testing, Waiver to utilize CMV positive sperm, Consent to ovulation induction and insemination treatment, and Consent to accept sperm.  Basically, all these forms make sure I will not sue Shady Grove for anything.  I'll be dropping the forms off Monday in hopes I'll get the ok to move forward with the next step, which is the actual insemination.  I can't decided if I'm looking forward to this or not.  But it has to be better than the paperwork step, right? I am trying to stay cautiously, optimistic about the first cycle.

Sex Education and Baby Making

Today we had an appointment with Shady Grove Fertility Clinic.  First, let me start by telling you our appointment was two hours long.  That is the actually time we spent with doctors.  So we arrive on-time with coffees and notebook in hands, prepared to just collect some basic information on what we needed to do and what the steps were to this whole baby making process.  Our doctor must have figured that since we were lesbian, we had no idea how babies were made and proceeded to tell us in great detail how 'it' happens.  Seriously, it was like 7th grade health class all over again including diagrams.  LOL.  Yes, the doctor drew us a picture of the sperm swimming up to meet the egg.  The doctor then told us all the statics involved in conceiving a baby. Some facts we learned - you only have a 48 to 72 hour window each month to conceive, most pregnancies end in miscarriage, and even when the sperm fertilizes the egg it only has a 25% chance of implanting.  It's a miracle any babies are ever born!  After our sex education lesson, we were moved to another room to meet our nurse.  She went through a folder full of papers with us covering everything you could ever want to know about having a clinic get you pregnant.  From the basic cost to the steps to what happens if I don't get pregnant after four cycles.  We learned that we both needed what seemed like 5 million tests which we would have to get done at our PCP's office, because of the whole insurance issue.  A silver lining, a way to screw the insurance company, to trick them into covering some of my fertility treatment.  Shady Grove had learned that in situations such as ours that if they preform the necessary blood work the insurance company denies coverage because of the Shady Grove logo.  However if our PCP orders the tests and blood work, it's cover completely by our insurance.  Really?? Insurance companies are stupid. So after meeting with our nurse and learning about this nice little loophole, we met with the money lady.  She detailed the cost of having a baby.  Surprisingly, not as much as we thought.  Office visit for each try is only $155.  Sperm much more - between $450 and $650.  But for two people who thought it would be about $2,000 for each cycle, $800 per cycle was a nice number to hear.  Needless, to say I left the office feeling a mixture of emotions.  Scared, overwhelmed, nervous, excited, overwhelmed.  The feeling that stood out the most was being overwhelmed.  We had a list that was a mile long of things that needed to get done.  Seriously, if everyone had to do all these things there would be a whole lot less unwanted kids in this world.

Lovely, chat with insurance lady

First step to getting two lesbian pregnant, call the insurance company to confirm that we are still second-class citizens and do not qualify for any fertility treatment.  Yep, the insurance company doesn’t cover any of the costs.  Here’s a small piece of our conversation.

Me- “Hi, I would like some information on my coverage of fertility treatment.”

IC – “Of, course. Can I have your name and policy number?”

Me- Provide info

IC – “Yes, your plan covers fertility treatment.”

Me- “Great, what are the details?”

IC – “I just need a little bit of information. Have you been actively trying for 12 months?”

Me- “We’ve been actively trying for 33 years.”

IC – Laughs.  “Have you and your husband been to the doctor’s to schedule tests?”

Me – “No”

IC – “I’m sorry.  You need to get a referral from your PCP first for infertility testing.  Once you get a referral we can move forward.”

Me- “I don’t have infertility issues. I’m an lesbian and my wife and I want to have a kid.”

IC – “Oh, I’m so sorry. We don’t provide coverage for that.”

Me – “What? You just said, I have coverage. “

IC –“You have to be actively trying for a year with a male partner in order for the coverage to click in.  I’m sorry insurance hasn’t caught up with the times.  My cousin is lesbian.”

Me -  (thinking to myself) I don’t really give a f**k that your cousin is a lesbian.  Thanks for sharing.  We must now be best friends and completely understand each other.  “So, if I was with a guy. I could just tell my doctor I had been trying for a year and we would get a referral from the doctor and coverage from you.”

IC – “Yes, I’m very sorry.  I don't agree with the policy. But I do have some good news.”

Me- I don't really care about your beliefs, but thanks again for sharing some personal info with me. “Great, what is it?’

IC- “We have a new policy that allows people in your situation to do 12 rounds of IUI and after 12 fail attempts of IUI we cover all the cost at 80%.”

Me – “Thanks, but that’s a ridiculous policy.  That’s a year of failures for someone who has no fertility issues. Not to mention $1,000s of dollars. I’m thinking, I’ll be delivering a baby in 12 months. Does anyone actually qualify for that loophole?”

IC – “I’m not sure.”

Me – “Have you personal used that policy for someone?

IC – “No."

Me- “My point exactly.”

IC – “Once you are pregnant we cover the pre-natal care and delivery.”

Me- “You have to.”

Intro to our baby making ...

My wife and I were married on August 11, 2012 surrounded by friends and families in the wedding of our dreams in Maryland four months before same-sex marriage was legal.  No straight couple ever gives it any thought to where they will get married; because for them it doesn’t matter the paper work is the same.  You can get it done anywhere.   For us it mattered.  As we would soon learn, the “Separate but equal” marriage laws went way beyond the simple fact we had to preform a second marriage ceremony in DC on a separate day, surround by a separate set of people.  You know that great little health care benefit that allows married couples to place one partner on the other partner’s health care benefits immediately after marriage.  Yep, that doesn’t work for us.  We had to wait for Open Enrollment.  Neither can we file taxes jointly, place each other on retirement accounts, and on all federal forms we have to state we are single.  There are countless other issues that have come up but this blog is not about that. 

This blog is about my wife and mine adventures of creating a family and then raising one.  We brought a house in March 2013 and knew we wanted to start having children soon.  Mostly because we are old.  Not old in normal people sense, but old in motherhood starting sense.  The dread age of 35 is almost here for me and I knew all the statistics of having a child after that age.   So, to try and avoid becoming a high-risk pregnancy before even becoming pregnant, we are starting our adventures of babyhood several months shy of our one-year anniversary.  Now before, I get into the first step of how two lesbians have a baby, I should tell you that we have also decided to minimize the high cost of raising a baby.  

Since we have the added cost of creating our little bundle of joy, we want to try and cut down on the cost of all those things you need for a baby.   For us, this means collecting baby items from friends, family, yard sales, baby sales, and freecycle.  Babies need an incredible amount of ‘stuff’.   Strollers, swings, cribs, play pens, pack and plays, bassinets, co-sleepers, changing tables, changing pads, baby carriers, car seats, infant seats, booster seats, high chairs, diapers, wipes, feeding pillows, bottles, bottle racks, baby toys, baby clothes, and baby spoons. I could go on and on, but you get the picture. 

Keep in mind, I strongly believe in buying environmental-friendly products and minimizing my impact on the Earth.  Toss this belief with the idea that I also try to stay away from items made in China and buy local, American-made products.  Oh and add, that I like to limit the amount of money I spend.  Mix this all together and you get a recipe of disaster when trying to buy baby products.

I started months and months ago doing research and slowly compiling a list of American-made, environmental-friendly, must have baby products.  When I came across a product that seemed to fit my beliefs or a friend told me about some cool American-made baby product, I would add it to the list.   Probably completely insane, since we were not even pregnant, but I knew finding baby items that fit into all three of these qualifications would take time to locate.  Before I knew it, I had a list of 111 items.  Are you serious?? How can something so tiny need so much?  I won’t even share the price tag that went with this list!!!  So, I decided a great environmental way to ‘baby shop’ was to get used items.  Not only would it support local businesses and people, but also it would keep items out of the landfill and I won’t be buying a thing from China.  It seemed like a great economical choice, too!  I’ve now become obsessed with Freecycle.  If you don’t know what that is, you are missing out big time.  Freecycle is a yahoo group where people place items they do not want on the listserv. You then e-mail the person listing the item and ask if you can have it.  If the item has not already been promised to someone, you win and drive to the listing person’s home and pick it up, typically never seeing the listing person (the items are usually placed outside the door or on a porch).  It’s a little like a top-secret mission. LOL  I’ve also discovered it is a great way to get really good, barely used baby gear.  Due to freecycle and friends, we have a half full nursery already.  Items include- baby cloths, glass bottles, bassinet, swing, baby tubs, toys, blankets, sheets, and countless other items.  Did I mention clothes that have never been wore??? Lots of clothes.